Tell us: At home with midwife Maren

Anyone who follows Maren and her Instagram channel @zaubertgut If you don't know her yet, you should catch up as soon as possible. The lively German lives in Bochum and is a midwife through and through. In the spring, Maren gave birth to her second child, little Wim. On Instagram, she shares her very personal everyday life and her experiences from the baby years with her followers. Her most important message is that everything is allowed and nothing is mandatory. Maren shows family life in a very realistic way with ups and downs. By giving insights into her daily routine, she wants to encourage other parents to name feelings and perceptions and not to chase false ideals. Maren is simply refreshing and honest anyway.

We are delighted that Maren and her family are part of our “Tell us how you do it…” series. Enjoy reading!

Dear Maren, do midwives know everything about motherhood?

For my part, after more than 8 years of midwifery, I knew nothing about motherhood, only how I, as a MIDWIFE, can support families and advise, accompany and empower them as an outsider. Becoming a mother or being a mother is something very emotional and definitely not a vocational training or degree - even if there are many new tasks and tough tests to go through. Funnily enough, I can't transfer my midwifery knowledge to my own children at all, but am just as worried or excited as all other parents - but that in turn has given me much more understanding as a midwife for the families. However, I would not see my own motherhood as further training, but as something incredibly precious for me personally as a person. I had no idea how beautiful and how tiring this parenting thing actually is. Sometimes I think: "If only I had started earlier." 😉

You and your husband have two children. As a midwife, your daily work is demanding. How are the roles divided between you?

Our division of roles is not at all traditional. My husband is studying to be a primary school teacher and is therefore much more flexible than I am. This is sometimes a blessing and a curse at the same time - because paid work takes priority. At weekends, my husband works in facilities for formerly homeless men and addicts. This means that we also have to manage our capacities and resources. However, my work as a midwife also brings flexibility, because my original "postpartum business" can of course be planned to some extent in terms of times. There is always a little chaos and always a lot of organization. However, I am very grateful to be able to be a strong, freelance woman and my husband is not innocent in this.

What has changed most for you since the birth of your second child?

The relationship to sleep. That's the first thing that comes to my tired head. While with child one you might actually have slept during the day when the baby was sleeping, now there is already a "big" sibling who wants to be at the daycare on time, wants something to eat and generally needs a regular daily routine. You can't say "Today we'll stay in bed and look lovingly at our little brother all day." At the same time, I think that's really nice and good because it's so calm and gives me and us structure. Likewise, there are little to no downtimes for Paul or me. Someone always has a need and even things that are taken for granted like showering are discussed here - crazy. But it works. The key for us is to let go of perfectionism. Luckily, we were able to learn that with our first child.

Your little Wim is now 8 weeks old, little Rudi is 1.5 years old – what does your typical day look like?

Because of our son Rudi, our daily routine on weekdays is roughly determined by the day carer. Rudi has to be there by 8:30 at the latest. This means that we usually get up around 6:00/6:30, drink coffee and have breakfast together and play. I really enjoy being together in the morning because everyone is usually still full of energy and in a good mood 😉 this can often decrease with the children as the day progresses. At 3:00 p.m. we have to pick up Rudi. Until then it's all about doing housework, shopping, entertaining the baby and actually also maintaining my Instagram channel because it has become an integral part of my life, just like my midwifery work. Of course, I often have to hand over and forward tasks because little Wim needs me more or, as is the case at the moment, a move has to be planned.

Do you have fixed rituals?

A goodnight kiss and forehead squeeze for everyone. That gives love and energy.

On your Instagram channel @zaubertgut you let your followers share in your family and emotional life. What are your motives for this?

I would go further and say that many posts do not always involve me personally, but that I do a lot of educational work. Of course, I can show this much better by example and can therefore report much more vividly on everyday life as a family and mother. The feedback I get is huge. Young parents tell me how good it is that I realistically show topics such as pregnancy, birth and the postpartum period and life with two small children. And let's be honest - very few accounts on Instagram are covered in honesty. There it is usually important to present a perfect facade to the outside world and anything is possible at any time. Anyone who has ever set an alarm clock in the morning after a night of drinking knows that this is not true. It is important to me to lovingly show that all that glitters is not gold and that is not only totally OK, it can even be funny or beautiful.

With your personal posts, you encourage new mothers to live through all their ups and downs and not to hide their emotions. Why do you think so many mothers feel like they always have to be strong?

I think it means parents in general. I think it's really important to get across what feelings a "mother" has. Parents have a huge range of feelings and emotions – sometimes you have to put them into words. This isn't equally easy for everyone and from my years of working with families I know that at 2:00 a.m. most people have the same worries and fears and would just like to pull the covers over their heads. I'm naming this so that it doesn't create an ideal image of family, but something that glitters more than gold: real people. Real emotions. My hope is, of course, that people will be encouraged to rethink family and the role of parent and will be able to classify new feelings much better. We need much more realistic images of (diverse) families.

Is social media a blessing or a curse for mothers?

Both. Anyone can write anything unfiltered on the internet and especially on social media. If people then gain "power" in the form of followers, it can quickly become dangerous. Because a woman who has breastfed three children is not a breastfeeding consultant and you are not a dog trainer because Grandma Inge once had a dachshund. Opinions are quickly sold as knowledge and followers are called upon to do the same as you. To be honest, that is super dangerous. How often I have sat with families and had to explain why their own child should not just be breastfed romantically on demand, even if a pregnant influencer has told them about it. If a premature baby is lying in bed in this family, develops neonatal jaundice and is on the verge of medical deterioration, then such advice is of no use except probably spending the next few days in hospital. But of course social media is great because it creates exchange, you can draw attention to taboos and experts and minorities can make their voices heard. There is a lot to learn in this area and take with you. I myself also always have accounts that allow me to look beyond my own horizons in a completely unbiased way.

What have you learned about yourself since having children?

The biggest lesson for me (so far) is that nothing can be planned anymore and how much more effectively I can often get things done. And also how incredibly much you can love. I remember a situation with my eldest shortly before the birth of number two: we were together on the playground and I looked at him and thought, "That really, really hurts my heart with love." Yes, my horizons of love have definitely been expanded, as has my calmness barometer. Those are two pretty good things that I wouldn't want to miss anymore.

Do you sometimes miss your childless life?

It would be a lie if I answered no. I miss being spontaneous and independent. Going in and out of the door whenever I want - that's no longer possible with children. Or just a lazy Sunday in bed - illusory. But it's wonderful to be active and to see life with different eyes and emotions.

How will your boys finish this sentence in 30 years? "Our mother..."

Just as they want it. Children don't owe us anything and I have no expectations of them as to how they should view me. At best I'll be an embarrassment to them and yet a good ear for life. That would be nice, but also very idealistic.

Thank you, dear Maren!

Photo credits: www.kindesglueck.de , zaubertgut