My Path to Home Birth

I can already hear you thinking: And what about your partner? What if he/she doesn't want to?
Yes, of course your partner has to be on board too. But I have a very clear opinion on this, which will probably upset some people: It is YOUR birth. If YOU are really sure what you want, then you can go for it. My article here is mainly about that.
In any case, I was in the privileged position of having a supportive partner. His beliefs and the information he had fed him also drew him towards a hospital birth, but he sensed my deep inner conviction and trusted it. I believe that this is also sometimes a key to giving your partner security and receiving approval, but as I said, that is not what we are going to talk about today.

Others can support me – I have to believe in it myself

So I followed my inner voice and, despite all the questions in my head, I tried to organize a midwife who would accompany me and us.
After finding a midwife, the initial consultation was somewhat sobering. The last bit of security that I had hoped to get from her did not come. Quite the opposite. She approached me with very challenging questions and it quickly became clear that the security that my head so desperately needed would not come from her. From anyone. Not from outside.

I still gave the midwife my consent. I knew I wanted to do it and I trusted that my inner self would guide me towards a home birth.
Not least because of my own job, I am in the privileged position of having a few friends and contacts who work in the field of birth support. In constant exchange with many other women, it was ultimately my friend, doula and midwife Andrea, who always supported me with her expertise and incredible warmth in my uncertainties and encouraged me. And although I wish everyone had a friend like that and it is incredibly helpful to have a supportive environment, it was clear here too that she could support me, but I had to believe in it myself.

I decided to stop thinking about it

So I had my midwife and a lot of scientifically based knowledge about the safety of a home birth, and yet I kept feeling like I didn't know everything yet. I wasn't well enough prepared and I did something that went completely against my thinking nature: I let it go. I decided to surrender to the process. To let my thoughts come and go, after all, that's what I teach again and again in my yoga classes. I stopped organizing and researching and watching hundreds of positive home birth reports on YouTube and I trusted. Trust in life, in femininity and, above all, in myself.

I allowed myself to feel safe in my insecurity. To feel everything. The empowering and the less supportive thoughts and feelings, without judging them. Pregnancy is such an incredibly magical time and opportunity to practice your feminine intuition. To make room for the feminine in us, the yin. To move from doing to being. To accept, to feel, to slow down and to trust. Not so easy in a society that is so yang-dominant, where doing is celebrated and everything has to be justified rationally.

I will have this child on my own

So I got into the flow. And with each week, not only did my stomach grow, but so did my basic trust. And suddenly it all happened very quickly and the last weeks and days had arrived. The final spurt.
A final flare-up of my insecurities manifested itself in an excessive desire for organization and cleaning mania. Biology calls this the 'nesting instinct', although I clearly sensed that it was something more.

When the hygienic sheet for my planned birth pool didn't arrive due to delivery problems and our shower was about to give up the ghost at the last minute, I was close to losing it. Then there were unforeseeable human differences with my midwife and other major and minor factors that would have been perfect fodder for throwing in the towel. And that's exactly what I needed.
A complete collapse of all external safety factors and life preservers that my head tried to cling to. That's exactly what I needed to focus on MYSELF. Completely and completely.
At that moment I knew that I would have this child through MY OWN strength. Regardless of the location and circumstances. Suddenly it almost didn't matter where and how I would bring this child to the other side of my belly. No birth pool, no fancy hypnobirthing strategies, no midwife in the world could give me what I knew I had deep inside me: mental and physical strength. The primal woman in me was there.

And at that moment it started. The contractions started.

I will be happy to tell you in my next article exactly how my home birth went, with powerful and magical moments and what I learned from it.

What I hope you have taken away from this is that no matter what your life is about, YOU are the driving force behind it. EVERYTHING is possible. And security is an illusion that we like to chase in our society. We often allow ourselves to be enslaved by its idea. Fear holds us back from living our true selves and pursuing our dreams. We should allow ourselves to surrender to the unknown more often and thus draw on the fullness of life. It has so much in store for us!

At this point I would like to say thank you. To a wonderful woman. My great support and ultimately birth companion Andrea Surek. To my midwife, who helped me find myself again in an unusual way and accompanied us during the birth. And to my boyfriend, who trusted me and believed in me from the very beginning.

You can do it. No matter what.

Your Jasmin